Ethanol For My Dear
by BlackDandelion
Summary: When all is lost: "Leah Clearwater cuts her wrists with a savage passion. And she intends to die this way."
1. Baileys

_Disclaimer: __Fan__, right? Which means I own no rights, no money and no Edward. _

_AN: I seriously don't know what happened. One minute I was relating to Leah, the next I was writing this seriously darkish fic, with odd tempus changes. But whatever, review and whatnot! (Oh, and just in case you're, I dunno, seven and gullible; don't use alcohol or try the whole suicide thing.) _

**Part 1: Baileys**

Leah Clearwater cuts her wrists with a savage passion. The blood serves as a drug to her eyes, she's ashamed but can't look away. In her happy moments she compares it to watching bad sitcoms, it's bad but so hard to resist. Like listening to Backstreet Boys or eating a whole pint of Baileys ice cream in one go, a secret pleasure.  
She started when she joined Sam's pack. There was something about it, the pain in her heart reflected on her flesh.

Nobody realises that when she's humming "A Small World" or replaying her history with Sam over and over in their minds, she's really hiding the flashes of red. It's her secret and she goes to great lengths to protect it.

---

It happens on a Wednesday. She cuts too deep and the blood flows and won't stop. She knows she should have panicked and used a compress. But she didn't. Instead she watched the flowing blood with a fascination, it's redder than it has ever been before and it flows like a river. _The Red Sea. _Imagining that this flow was all the tears she had never been able to shed, her eyes feast on the brilliant texture as her body is slowly drained on sustenance.

Finally her wolf powers kick in. The skin twitches and the deep cut heals. A red mark traces erratically down her arm, clashing with her brown skin. She stares at it for a long time, upset at the loss of her Red Sea. A loud howl snaps her out of it. Sam's calling.

---

It takes a lot for her to phase. The energy is slowly disappearing from her body as her wolf form runs around following Sam and the pack. Leah is last in line, a first. Not that anyone notices. Knowing that her thought inevitably drift towards the cuts, she tries to focus on the wind and the smell and the trees whizzing past.

_Trees and smells? How hippy of you. _Embry's voice echoes in her head and the sarcastic, dry tone stabs at her heart. As revenge she releases a string of memories with Sam, focusing on the one from that summer. When she had the green summer dress and his noble hands couldn't help but wander as he whispered beautiful things in her ear.

She can hear Sam's thoughts, angry and impatient. He's given up the whole hurt and sorry act and lashes out at her in his mind. She can feel the Pack's hidden shock as Sam imagines hitting her, the silence following her death. Nobody says anything, though. Sam is playing her death over and over in his mind and nobody says a thing. And Leah bites her lip and sings.

---

They phase back after securing the area. Leah wasn't that concentrated. The mood was damp as everyone tried to forget Sam's fantasy and Leah tried to stay on her feet. The morning's escapade had left her body drained and it was all spinning. Everybody has phased except her and they're waiting. Sam is telling her, no ordering her to phase back. _She can't say no to the Alpha. _

She phases and stands vulnerably naked in the middle of the field. And suddenly her body can't take it anymore and she collapses. It's humiliating, her naked form stumbling across the grass, falling face forward in the damp grass. She falls freely even though Jacob and Quil could easily have reached out and caught her, but nobody wants to touch the bitch.

She lies passive in the grass as the Pack heads towards the village.

"If this is some sort of lame attention seeking thing, Leah, it's not working. God, you're pathetic." Sam scoffs as soon as the rest of the Pack has left. This is why Leah does what she does, because this is how Sam acts around her now. Cold and hard and mean. Never in front of the Pack or Emily, but when they're alone and the tension is so tight she wants to claw through it.

He leaves her in the grass and she feels a stab of pain in her stomach as she realises that she is all alone. No one waited. Not even Seth, her _biological _brother. Because these new brothers are more important and she's just a stone in his shoe.

Leah knows she should have said something to Sam. Something to establish her independence. She knows she should have told him how little she cares about him. How he could go and create puppies with Emily for all she cares, she's over it. But she doesn't tell him anything because words are exhausting and there's nothing left in her body except sorrow.

---

It's been black for so long. Days have passed and she hasn't moved. A comfortable numbness has taken over her body and she intends to die this way. Not moving. She's not asleep but she's not awake. So when Jacob's warm hands touch her, surprise registers in her muddled brain, because she never heard him coming.

"Jesus, Seth how long has she been lying here?" Jacob's voice is gruff and low and she's never heard it that way before. It sounds dangerous.

"I dunno. I mean, she can't have been here since Tuesday, can she?" She can hear the panic in her brother's voice as he answers. "I thought she was just doing the attention thing again. Shit, Jacob, why didn't I check that she was alright?" She can hear the sobs racking his body and she desperately wants to stretch out a hand and comfort him, but she can't.

"Everyone thought she was being a bitch as usual. Don't beat yourself up. Anyway, I thought Sam stayed to take care of her." Leah's head felt light and she realised she was being lifted. Pressed against a broad warm chest, which she knows must be Jacob's. They're moving, walking it seems.

"Yeah, instead he leaves her here for four days. Bloody fucker!" Leah wants to giggle at her soft, naïve brother swearing, but confusion takes over. Four days? Had it really been four days? "I can't believe he would do this to her." She feels Jacob's arms tighten around her and her heart skips a beat.

"Seth. No offence, but your sister is a right bitch sometimes." And her heart burned again. "I totally understand why he left her." At Seth's protests Jacob continued: "Doesn't mean I don't think it was bad."

Seth sighs and Leah's heart burns some more as she listens to her brother try to defend his sister to his friends.

"I know she's a bitch. Believe me, I live with her." Jacob chuckles, but Seth takes no notice. "But that doesn't mean I don't care about her, she's still my sister, man. Think about it, she's been through hell. Sam, Emily, Dad. And no time to adjust. Like the Sam/Emily drama wasn't hard enough, she has to run around with him all the time, have his thoughts in her head constantly. Imagine having the person who broke your heart in your mind three times a week."

There's a silence and Leah knows Jacob's thinking about Bella. Thinking about how horrible it would be to hear Bella in his mind non-stop after she chose Edward over him.

---

Leah doesn't know how far Jacob and Seth have walked. All she knows is that Jacob's broad chest is keeping her warm and the numbness has been replaced with something else.

And then she hears voices. Quil, Sam, Paul and Embry shooting questions at Jacob and Seth. Their screeching is burning into her brain, making it hard to breath. She still can't open her eyes but she knows she's in a house. Gently, Jacob lays her on a soft bed and she tries not to notice the unnecessary touch across her cheek.

---

They're all in the room, the whole freaking Pack. Chattering on about Leah as if she can't hear them. Well, to them she can't.

"So, what happened then?" Quil asks. She can hear the fatigue in his voice and feels sorry for the boy, paedophile or not.

"I don't know. We all saw her collapse, I just figured that she was, you know… being Leah." There's a murmur of agreement at Embry's words. Leah wants to cry, because these people, the closest she has to friends, really truly expect the worst from her.

"But then… What's wrong with her?" Her mother has entered the conversation and Leah hopes she hasn't heard the previous comments. No mother should have a hated daughter.

Sam's deep voice echoes through the room and Leah feels the content from the rest of the Pack.

"Most likely she's exhausted. The life of a wolf isn't good for a girl like Leah." She doesn't know if she should take that as a compliment or not and decides on the latter. A comment from Sam is definitely not a compliment.

A loud snort seems to disrupt the harmony.

"Yeah, right, Sam." Jacob's voice sounds even gruffer and Leah feels a shiver travel down her spine. "Leah's just as strong as anyone of us and can most likely whip Paul's ass." An indignant scoff interrupts him, but Jacob soon continues. "Something's wrong, Sam. We need to take her to a doctor."

"NO!" Sam roars and Leah can imagine his face, red and angry, the same as years before when Leah flirted with the bus driver. "We can't expose our secret like that."

Jacob's growl gives the air a sense of danger as he retorts.

"Leah's worth much more than our damn secret!"

And then there's a silence. She can hear female sniffling and knows that's her mother, crying for a bitch.

---

They all seem to make themselves scarce after the almost fight between Jacob and Sam. Leah wants to breathe a sigh of relief, but her body is out of her control, going on autopilot.

She lies there, wishing she could open her eyes, to see whose room this is. If it were her room, the ceiling would be cracked with splotches of dirt decorating it. She imagines she's in her room, lying in her white bed, the T.V. blasting out some lovey-dovey movie that she can't help but cry to at times.

It's déjà vu when a warm hand touches her again and she can't help but revel in the heat sinking into her skin.

"Leah…" Jacob's voice whispers over her cheek and she desperately wants to lift her hand and feel him. Just to check if it's really him, standing over her, speaking words tainted by worry and fear. "Please, Leah. Wake up."

She feels his fingers running over her hand wandering up her arm and then a gasp and Jacob's tracing a line and she wants to cry.

"Holy fuck, Leah." And she shouldn't be surprised that he noticed because it's pretty obvious but her heart still soars because this shows that he notices stuff about her. Dread and hope battle in her mind as she feels drops fall onto the hazardous line on her arm. "Shit, shit, shit. What the hell?"

His tone is rising and she can feel the stress emanating from his body as he leans over to check her other arm. A minty sigh of relief blows over her face and he relaxes but just for a second.

He's tense, her mind's tense and everything is so tiring. Suddenly she wishes she were alone with her sorrow. As comforting it was to know that someone else also carried her burden, it feels as if Jacob's hands haven't just touched her scar, but her heart. His hands are all over her heart, leaving sticky prints and she doesn't need more people marking her heart.


	2. Tequila

_A/N: Still not sure what's happening with this, just that I've always wanted Leah and Eddie to bond. And eh, Sam's not as mean as I make him out to be. Power goes to the head. _

_Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, Robert Pattinson would be my loverboy. But he isn't, so I don't. _

---

**Part 2: Tequila**

She wakes up to voices, shouting and sobbing.

"She needs a doctor, Sam. Now!"

"No. I will not risk our secret. I'm alpha and I say no."

Seth's squeaky voice breaks through the fight and Leah hopes desperately that this won't turn physical because then Seth would be dead in seconds.

"There is one doctor who already knows the secret." There's silence and then a growl.

"No. Fucking. Way." Sam bites and Leah wonders if Sam's favourite word is no.

"Sam, she's been like this for days. She probably hasn't eaten for a week, she's going to die." Jacob's voice is calm and collected, the opposite of Sam's.

"Please, Sam. She's my daughter." And the compassion in her mother's voice shocks her because it's been years since she was nice to her mother and the fact that she still loves Leah is tear inducing.

"I know, Sue. We're all worried." A scoff is ignored. "But we can't allow leeches on our land. I forbid it." _Alpha command. _

---

She's been lying alone for a few hours and their sudden entry surprises her. She can hear her mother hushing, Seth's nervous laughter and Jacob's heavy breathing. And then the sweet, sickly smell of leech.

"The problem seems more psychological than physical. Yes, Seth, her body is completely drained, but she's a wolf, I'm sure that with some food and water she would be fine. It's as if she refuses to wake up." Her heart almost stops when she hears Carlisle's magical voice. The doctor hums in thought.

"It's almost as if she can hear what's going on. Her heartbeat almost disappeared when I first spoke." Leah's heartbeat speeds up. _Please, please hear me. _

"She can hear us!" Seth squeaks. "Seriously?" She wants to roll her eyes at her brother's excitement, but finds she's actually quite touched.

"I'm not sure. I could do some tests to see how she would react, but that could take some time and well, we don't have that time. She needs to eat."

"Edward." Jacob's single word sentence confuses her. _What? _But Carlisle seems to understand at once.

"My dear boy! Brilliant idea. I'll call him at once."

There's an optimism in the air as they wait for Edward to arrive. Carlisle is inspecting her; she can feels the ghost of his cold hands fleeting over her body as he feels her pulse.

"Ehrm, Carlisle?" Jacob's voice is monotone and weak. "Look at her arm."

Rage builds through her body. How dare he tell the leach about that? This is why she doesn't share secrets.

"Oh my. That explains a lot." Shock colours the doctor's voice but Leah refuses to acknowledge it. _Sharing secrets that are not his fucking business. Stupid, werewolf boy._

A musical laugh fills the air as she finishes her last thoughts. _Edward. _

"Yes, Leah?"

---

There's a lot of commotion in the room. Someone, Seth, is jumping up and down, Carlisle and Jacob are discussing various treatments and her mother is crying at her bedside.

"Oh, Leah, my darling. We were so worried baby, so worried. Please wake up, please. I know I've not always been there for you, but it'll change, I promise."

Leah can't believe her mother's the one with a bad conscience. She's been a bitch for five years, her mother's taken every freaking second of that and now she's apologizing? Images of her screaming at her mother flash through her mind, her mother comforting a sobbing Seth, her grieving eyes full of concern for Leah. _Edward, please. _

And she relaxes as Edward tells her mother what Leah never thought to tell her. How brilliant and caring she is. And as she shows Edward memories from her childhood for him to tell her mother, the room grows quiet and her mother's sobs are replaced by laughter.

"She's thinking about the time when you all went to Forks, to go to the mall, and she got lost in the supermarket." Her mother's sighs can barely be heard over Edward's laughter. "She says she remembers thinking it was worth it, because her father bought her a large sundae when he found her."

"Oh, I was so angry at Harry for losing her. And then he goes and buys her this enormous ice cream that was twice the size of her." An image of the sundae flashes through her mind and the aftermath.

"Yes, she threw up later that day, didn't she?" Leah swears she can hear suppressed laughter when he asks that and she scolds him in her mind. Seth laughs and she can feel him sit down next to her head. His voice is unusual for him, soft and careful.

"Hey, Leah. Remember when you and I camped outside Nana's house and we were so scared we stayed up all night reading comics?"

Scoffing in her mind, Leah thinks back to a sobbing Seth, wailing about ghosts and Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

"She seems to think you were the scared one, Seth?" Edward's gentle voice betrays her thoughts. "Something about Gollum?" She can almost see Jacob's raised eyebrow.

"Hah. She is clearly mistaken." A manly grunt comes from her left, but Seth seems to drop the macho act as he continues. "Yeah… She's right. But you stayed up all night for me, Lee." And tears drop on her arm.

---

Tequila for the pain, she thinks in her silence. She would have loved some tequila for her pain. Because her pain hasn't disappeared just because she's made peace with her family. But a small part of her heart has been repaired, the glue being her family's love. _And all thanks to Edward and his articulate ways. _

"Happy to be of service, Leah." Edward's voice shocks her slightly; she had assumed the room was empty.

"Actually, your mother's sleeping just outside your door on a mattress and Seth is right here on the floor. They wanted to take turns sleeping and staying with you but I told them you were sleeping as well." _Thank you. Can you move mom to her bed? _Edward chuckles.

"I'd rather not. Billy and Sue aren't entirely comfortable with me yet. I'd rather not push my luck." _Of course, always the gentleman. _Edward chuckles.

"Well, I do try, you know." There's sadness in his voice that Leah, being the sad person she is, picks up. Edward, being the mind reader he is, answers her unasked question. "A gentleman wouldn't put Bella in the situation I'm putting Bella in right now." Hearing Leah's confusion, he continues: "I'm not good for her, she's human. I should have left when she wasn't too involved." _Bullshit. You tried leaving her, remember? _Leah thinks back to an empty Bella sitting at Emily's dinner table and then inevitably a laughing Bella with Jacob. A sigh echoes through the room.

"If I had stayed away, maybe she would have had a normal life. Jacob could give her a normal life." The image of Jacob arms wrapped around Bella, a boy and girl sitting at their feet pops into Leah's mind and refuses to disappear.

She can feel the agitation coming off Edward, the sweet smell seems stronger. She can feel him moving closer, a chilly presence by her bed. "She knows that. That's why she couldn't choose last year." Last year, when Bella had both Jacob and Edward on a leash. Hopeful, horny Jacob passes through her mind. _It's never an excuse. _

"What, Leah?"

_The fact that you can't choose. That you want to save the cake and eat it as well. Because you're hurting two people in the process. _She's showing Edward images that aren't his to see. Sam trying to explain the process of imprinting to her, a drunk Sam suggesting a threesome (_"Come on Lee-Lee, you know you want me.")_, Sam watching her naked form while holding Emily in his arms.

"Leah, I've accepted a part of her heart will always belong to Jacob, it's inevitable." _But that's wrong. _It's wrong that Leah will always have a part of Sam's heart when Emily loves him with her whole soul.

"That's different, Leah. He was forced to love Emily. She doesn't have any obligations toward me." _Which makes it worse. She has the power of choice and refuses to step up and take the responsibility. _

"He's her sun, Leah, I can't deny her that." But she's not telling him to deny her anything. Just to watch his back. _Bella would never accept you loving her with anything but your whole heart, how can she expect any less from you? How can she expect you to stand idly by while she flirts with someone you know she loves?_

"I can't bear to see her in pain. Being away from Jacob causes her pain." Leah wants to snort. _Her being with Jacob causes you pain. Don't deny it, Edward, I can hear it, hell I can smell it. _The room is quiet and she figures she can hear the duck tape holding together Edward's heartbreak.

…

_Push the button and let me know? _


	3. Vodka

Note to all: Yes, I suck. Big time. It's been what? A month or two since the last chapter. All I can say is that high school sucks, being a teenager sucks and there isn't nearly enough chocolate in the world to cure Leah.

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine. Meyer owns it the same way Edward owns the entire earth's female population.

**Part 3: Vodka **

There's a prickling somewhere on her left arm. A sharp stab and then a musical murmur.

"Is she awake, Edward?" _Yes. _

"She just woke up."

"Good. Leah, we're putting in an IV now. If you feel a spasm or any need to move you need to warn Edward." _Believe me, I couldn't move if I wanted to. _Edward's sad sigh broke through her thoughts and she instinctively pushed away thoughts of his concern. _Don't pity me, Edward. _

Edward knew of the Red Sea. Unlike Jacob, who actually had no pertinent evidence, he hadn't blabbered to everyone. _Where is Jacob, anyway? _

She could hear the sound of needle breaking skin, _only werewolf hearing_, and her mind shuddered.

"We've got to do this, Lee, you need nutrition." Later, she knew she would obsess over the casual use of nickname, but for now the syllable rolling off Edward's tongue offered comfort as she felt uncomfortable knowing that Carlisle was doing something with her body, which in fact wasn't really hers at the moment.

"It's always your body. Just not always within your control." And she let's Edward's musical words comfort her.

---

Jacob is downstairs with Bella. She can hear the girl giggling at something Jacob is saying and she thinks of Edward and his sad voice that night.

"Don't pity me, Leah." He mimics her and she's once again aware of his presence in the room. "I just drove Carlisle to the hospital. We don't want to be roaming through the woods."

And that's when Leah realises that she isn't all that perceptive. Because vampires are the one thing that _are not _allowed on La Push. Literally the only thing, she muses as she thinks of the very gay couple living next door and the paedophilic janitor working late hours at her old high school.

"Yes, we are a very discriminated species, aren't we?" Leah wants to snort but instead adds sarcasm to her thoughts. _Because female werewolves aren't at all discriminated. _Flashes of Sam's words as he emphasised her weakness and then a sudden epiphany. _Where is Sam? Why hasn't he killed you yet? _

She hadn't meant for it to come out so rough, but confusion muddles her brain and she's waiting for Sam to burst in at any minute ripping Edward's head off. The thought sends a chock of fear to her brain.

"Nice to know you care, Lee." Edward laughs. From any other person the comment would have been sarcastic and she would have snapped something back, but she can hear the honesty in his voice.

Another high pitched giggle echoes from downstairs followed by a husky, "Oh, Jake!"

_You can join them, you know. You don't have to stand up here, keeping the vegetable company. _

Edward scoffs, but it sounds a tad exercised and stiff.

"Ever thought that maybe I appreciate your company?" And she understands perfectly, because she could never stand in the same room as Sam and Emily. "Now, I was about to tell you why Sam hasn't ripped my head off, right?" _Yes. _Edward's casual reference to death amuses her, has she already rubbed off on him already?

"Well, there's a simple answer, really. He doesn't know I'm here." _Hah, _Leah scoffs. _He must know you're hear, I can smell you from 10 miles away and my house and his house are only half a mile apart. _

"And that's why we're not in your house, Lee. We're in Forks." _What!? _And if she had any energy in her body, she would've phased, but for now she's satisfied with shouting expletives at Edward in her mind. How the fuck did they think they were? _When did this happen?_

"I'm surprised you didn't notice." _Sort of brain-dead here, Eddy boy. _"Oh, don't call me that. And your brain is perfectly fine. Jacob and Seth took you to our house as soon as Sam left." _So Sam doesn't know I'm here? _"Sam knows you're not at home. Seth said he's been asking around, but him, Jacob and your mother are the only ones who know, and they're not going to tell." _So… I'm in the middle of the leech headquarters? _

Edward snorts, but keeps his mouth shut. He knows when to keep silent during Leah's tirade. Mental images of Sam's reaction to her whereabouts flash through her head and she's glad he doesn't comment on the particularly detailed fantasy: where Sam thinks she's dead and takes a knife to his heart, only to have Leah rush into the room, all too late, taking his blood stained hand in hers and kissing him simultaneously stabbing herself with the knife that had pierced Sam's heart thus mixing their bloods and hearts.

She can feel the cold radiating off Edward as he moves closer.  
"You're going to be all right, Lee. We've got food into you, you just need to rest." Thankful for the change of subject, Leah tries to relax her mind, shut off all thoughts. Edward's cold presence keeps her content, _let's not analyze why. _He chuckles.

---

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Jacob?" The voice is rough and commanding, as if it's used to getting its way. Leah's groggy brain tries desperately to define its owner. There's some mumbling and then a high: "NO!" _Oh, it's Sam. _

"Brilliant deduction." Edward's coldness is significantly farther away than before she fell asleep and she panics slightly. And then a cold hand is pressed against hers, silent ruling the room as they listen to Sam yelling downstairs.

"I don't fucking care if you believed this was the right thing to do. I am the Alpha and you take my orders!" There's a commotion followed by approaching thumps.

"You aren't fit to be Alpha!" Edward chuckles and Leah mirrors his sentiments. _Such a male pissing contest. Why don't they just whip 'em out and measure already? _The mental image of Jacob and Sam with a ruler brings a musical chuckle to her ears.

"You don't get nearly enough credit for your wit, Lee." And if she were human, living, not a vegetable, she would have blushed. But unfortunately not only is she sort of paralyzed, Edward's brilliant comment came at exactly the wrong time as the door swung open with a growl.

There's a stench in the room. It's not the sickly sweet stench that Leah has gotten used to over the days. It's a pungent smell that brings memories of bars and beaches to her mind.

"Back off, bloodsucker." She can feel Edward shift his hand away from hers and her mind screams as her last piece of comfort slips away. "Where the hell do you get off calling her Lee? Do you always harass comatose girls, you sicko?!" _I can't believe I ever dated him. _

"Really Sam, I believe that it would be in everyone's best interest if we all calmed down." Ah, Sue arrives. The constant calming presence in Leah's life.

"I can't see how you have any say in this, Sue, this you were the one that allowed this atrocity to occur." Sam snaps at her mother and Leah wants to snap his neck.

"The only atrocity was the fact that you refused to get Leah proper care." Sue's voice is steel over fire, her inner wolf coming into light and Leah's heart bursts with pride. She can hear a murmured agreement from Edward. "This is not the time for this discussion, you're drunk."

_Oh. That explains the smell. _Vodka was Sam's big weakness. His father's too, Leah suspected, but never mentioned.

"I'm fully controlled, Sue." Leah wants to snort. Sam's voice carries a more patronizing tone. "But you must realise that this is doing nothing for Leah. Instead you're violating our treaties and going against our traditions. Cuddling with vampires, but Leah isn't getting any better." _Don't you dare treat my mother as a child. _There's a growl and Leah knows Edward is agreeing with her.

"I assure you, Leah is in excellent care." Carlisle's calm voice echoes through the room and Leah is thankful for his assistance. Between Sue and Edward there is little diplomacy towards Sam. "In fact, her mental condition is stable and I'm sure her physical condition is soon to follow." Sam snorts loudly and Leah can't believe she had sex with this man. "As Edward can confirm."

"How do I know you're not lying?" There's silence and then Edward speaks, his musical voice strained as if he knows that the thin tread holding Sam's anger together will break at any moment.

"You met in fourth grade. She shoved sand into your pants in sixth grade. The first time you had sex you came but she didn't. She never told you, but suspected you knew." Another tedious silence, Sam's disbelief hangs in the air, constant and inflexible. _Tell him about the vodka. _"Also, you drink vodka when you're upset. Leah believes it's because of your father."

Sam growls loudly and Carlisle sighs. It's the last fact that breaks Sam's endless circle of disbelief. Leah was the only one who knew about Sam's weakness and blocked it out of her mind during patrols. Only voluntarily would Leah give up that information.

"She's… conscious?" asks Sam, voice small and defeated.

"Well, technically, yes. She falls asleep sometimes and then I just see her dreams. But your fight with Jacob woke her so she's awake," says Edward calmly, pleased that Sam has realized the validity of the situation. _That means I can hear you, asshole. _

"You can hear her, then?"

"Yes. And she can hear you."

There's a shuffle and then warmness approaches her bed. Sam's warm dry hand envelops her own and Leah panics. _Get it off! Get him off! _His warmth, the love he can't produce burns her skin, Sam is oblivious to her internal struggle and fire spreads through her body, leaving pain.

"Sam!" Edwards barks. "She doesn't want you touching her."

---

Note to readers: Push the button and let me know, 'kay?


	4. Gin

_A/N: I am so EXTREMELY unsure about this chapter that I seriously considered just discontinuing the whole thing. But then I realised that I always do that and decided to grow some balls. But if it sucks, I'm not surprised. (Also, very apologetic about the delay). _

_Disclaimer: Twilight and all characters involved in the love saga/triangle are not mine and never will be. _

**Part 4: Gin**

_Please, Edward, it burns. _Her mind screams at the roaring Edward who is trying, and failing, to move Sam without physical contact. He has never fought with a werewolf yet, but tonight was the closest he had ever come to ripping someone's furry head off.

"Sam," roars Edward and Leah ignores the tingle down her spine. "Take your hands off her."

"Calm down, Edward," mumbles Carlisle and Leah wants to shut him up, because he can't possibly understand the pain flowing through her arm. "Sam, obviously Leah is not responding well to your touch, if you would just-"

"NO!" More footsteps and Jacob's voice breaks the tense silence after Sam's outburst.

"What's going on?" Jacob has this deep voice that still manages to sound perky. There's a sound of stumbling and Leah knows that Bella is in the room. _Must have been comforting poor Jake downstairs. _Edward snorts lightly.

"Leah had a bad reaction to Sam's touch," says Carlisle but makes no move to pry Sam's hand off.  
"So… Why are you still touching her?" Jacob's voice is rough again and Leah agrees. The burning sensation is slowly numbing her mind as her soul twists and cowers, trying to flee from the sparks.

"Sam. I am not going to repeat myself." It strange, Leah muses in her blurry state, how velvet can be on fire. Edwards voice sounds distant, but she takes great comfort in it. The pain is unbearable as Sam's hand tightens on her, taking his claim. _Oh. _

---

It's dark when she wakes up. She shouldn't be surprised really, it's been dark for days now, but it's a different type of dark. When her body was the apathetic thing that she had no control over, darkness was a constant: no escape. Now, there's a sliver (a sliver!) of light at the very end of the darkness and her hearts beats so fast. The memory of the fire is still hot in her mind and her body convulses in shock as she tries to lift herself from the bed.

Days of indisposal have left her arms weak and they fail her, sending her tumbling back onto the soft mattress. She lies panting, waiting for strength to return and it scares her how long it takes. _Werewolf powers? _

There's no one in close proximity and the quiet scares Leah. Days of people standing at her bed, fussing over her. Flashes in her mind: Sam yelling and then there's nothing. She moves slowly, her legs catious with every step, wobbling slightly. A few feet from the door, something tugs her arm painfully and she sees the needle to the IV, straining against her skin. She swallows harshly and tugs it out, ignoring the red line that cuts right through her vein.

As she wobbles, the sliver becomes clearer until it's a bright light and she can feel her grin widen.

---

The stairs take a while. One stumble after another and a hand clutching the banister. As she reaches the last step, she does a fall á la Bella and heads face down towards the carpet only to be swept up in marble arms.

"Lee. What are you doing out of bed?" Edward's hazel eyes show complete chock at her vertical position. _Why weren't you there?_ Her voice won't work, rasping uncomfortably at her throat and she can't stop the weak thought, repulsed by the neediness of it.

His grip tightens and he leads her down the last step, arms caressing her waist.  
"I'm sorry, Lee. We took the argument downstairs after you passed out. Carlisle said there was nothing wrong with you apart from exhaustion." His voice takes on a dangerous growl as he continues: "Sam insisted I was not to be alone with you."

She scoffs and together they stumble into the living room. It's a posh place, the Cullen house. All marble floors and white furniture with those expensive abstract paintings in gold frames. There are no stains on the pristine walls, no scratches on the glistening metal of the couch legs. _Jesus, it's like living with Martha Stewart. _Edward smirks and leads her to the patterned armchair at the very back of the room.

"This one is mine," he whispers in her ear "it used to stand in my father's office, my real father that is." Leah feels secretly touched at the information he has divulged. _So this chair is like a thousand years old?_ He chuckles and she looks up to see if she can catch that twinkle that always goes through his eyes when he does. The twinkle flashes briefly, before he frowns and loosens his grip on her, setting her in the chair. As he moves, the inhabitants of the room come into view.

---

No one notices her at first. Jacob and Bella are sitting on the couch. His arm is slung behind Bella and his fingers are stroking her shoulder, tugging gently on her hair every now and then. Bella's bare legs are slung over Jacob's shorts clad lap and Leah finds it all icky. Carlisle is standing at the window, eying Sam who is pacing up and down the room, eyes flitting between Carlisle and Jacob.

He was a big man, with sturdy and thick limbs. _Arms holding him above me, sweat glistening on his bronze forehead, chiselled stomach pressed against mine. _His face was typically handsome, a sharp nose and defined cheekbones with black eyes that were always burning. With hair a brilliant shade of midnight and biceps that bulged with the slightest movement, the attraction was undeniable. Until Leah moved her eyes back to his face.

His red lips were turned down, in a terrific snarl. The eyes were black and burning with anger and contempt and she wonder slightly if a single man could contain that much hate. _Well, I certainly could. _

---

Several things happen at once. Jacob jumps up and rushes in front of Leah, taking her hands in his warm ones, gazing at her with concerned eyes. Bella gives a sigh of discontent as her legs drop at Jacob's speedy retreat.  
"How are you feeling?" Jacob asks and Leah tries to reply with a dry noise deep in her throat. _Tell him I'm fine. _Edward does and Jacob relaxes slightly.

Sam has stopped in his pace and the swirling black is focused entirely on Leah, dark eyes burning into her soul. He turns to Carlisle, says nothing to Leah.  
"So, what's wrong with her?" he asks, voice harsh and cold.

Jacob also turns to Carlisle, who in turn is looking at Edward for an answer. Edward clears his throat, eyes fixated on Leah's weak form collapsed against the armchair.

There was silence. As far as silence goes, Leah was always an appreciator, silence meant no snide remarks or faux apologies. But this silence was unnerving. _Explain, explain, explain! _

Edward looked down at her, face set in a hard mask.  
"I think you've lost some of your strength. It explains why you reacted so badly to Sam's warmth. He's alpha and tends to be warmer than Seth or Jacob. It's not that you're not still a wolf, it's that you don't have the strength to deal with certain aspects of wolfness."

"So… You're saying that she's weak." There's an underlying arrogance in Sam's statement and Leah wants to jump up and scream _I'll show you weak! _

"No. I'm saying that she hypovolemia lead to a comatose state, which weakens the body. A human who had lost that amount of blood would have died; a wolf would probably suffer the same fate as Leah. Even you Sam."

"Wait, what?" Sam's face is carving in stone, all rough lines and sharp edges. "When did Leah lose any blood?"

_So how about you guys push the button and let me know, so I now if I should totally rewrite? _


	5. Tonic

Note from me to well, lawyers: Twilight and all characters in said story are not mine. Neither is Tonic.

Note from me to you: Well, here it is the last part. I know I suck and haven't updated for like months. And I wish I could have a snappier excuse than that I'm a lazy twit, but I don't. So…

**Part 5: And Tonic**

When Leah was ten years old, she wet her pants in front of her dance teacher. It was the most embarrassing experience she has ever had and she can still remember the teacher face: laughter barely masked behind green eyes.  
Well, it was the most embarrassing experience up to this point.  
"You cut yourself, Lee?" Sam is incredulous, obviously thinking back to _his_ Leah (Leah who lived five years ago) who stated that suicidal people were pathetic people, people who didn't have the balls to stand up and fight, to stand up and change whatever shitty thing needed to be changed. "Why? Why in the world would you do that?"

And it's awkward, oh, it's awkward. Because for once, Leah can't answer with a snarl and hate, because for once the question is neither sarcastic or angry, it's just sad. As if Sam's question reflects their whole relationship, the wrong turn five years ago that haunt them both to this day. Leah doesn't answer, keeps her mouth tight shut, but as everybody turns to Edward, she knows that the truth, however contorted it might be, will eventually reach Sam.

Edward, on the other hand, furrows his marble brows as he tries to make sense of her jumbled thoughts.

"I believe its frustration," he finally mutters, "over the whole situation. She had no outlet, no one to help her through the whole thing. Tell me, Sam," he asks, looking up at her broken Alpha, "did you help her during her first transformation? Give her your pack's acceptance? Your support? Did you at all act as the friend you were supposed to be?"

Sam's head shakes slightly, as well as his shoulders, but Edward takes no notice.

"No, because you didn't know how to act, did you? This wasn't the Leah you proposed to five years ago," Sue gasps at the new information, "this wasn't the Leah you had known all your life. This Leah was full of hatred, so you responded in the only way you knew how: by lashing out. Responding with the same hatred." _Bullshit, he acts like that because he is evil, Eddy boy. Don't go all pyschoanalyzing on me. _

Edward leans forward, his mouth at her ear.  
"You know, far back in your mind, that that isn't true. I can see it, Lee," he whispers, warm breath sending tickles down her neck.

He turns and looks at the entire room. Bella looks confused, Carlisle bored and Sam frustrated.

"Leah, what's it gonna take to-" Sam stops, searching for words, "well, cure you?"

"It's hardly a disease, Sam!" snaps Sue, as Jacob looks amused at the alpha's distraught face.

"What? You thought you could just snap your big alpha fingers, shout off a command and then she'd be fine? Sorry, Sam, it doesn't really work that way." Jacob sends a cocky grin to the man.

"Actually," Leah says, grasping the whole rooms attention with one word, her voice rough and unused, "Sam can help me." She turns to look at Edward, _is this a good idea?_ and he nods, mouth set in a grim line, but eyes twinkling with delight. "you could let me go. Let me leave the pack." The words scratch against her throat as if it goes against her very nature to say them.

Jacob slumps forward as she finishes speaking, his form colliding with her lap. (Edward growls slightly, but no one seems to notice.)

"You want to leave the pack?" Carlisle asks from the window, sunlight setting off the diamonds in his skin.

Leah nods, opening her mouth to elaborate but finds that no words can come out. Absentmindedly stroking Jacob's hair with her hand, she turns to look at Edward, _voice gone. Tell him. _

"Sam. She thinks that maybe you're right about the female werewolf concept." Jacob stares up at Leah in shock, but her eyes are trained solely on Edward. "Perhaps, she is not intended for a life as a protector. And-" he continues, effectively cutting of Sam's beginning statement, "perhaps she is. But she does not want that life. Leah wants to travel, I can see it in her mind, Sam. Jacob, if she continues her, snared forever in La Push, she will keep cutting. I can see it. The Red River flowing down her arm. She will keep cutting if she is forced to share her thoughts with you. You need to let her go, she can control her phasing, she's no threat. You need to let her go or she will die."

---

"You're sure about this then?" Seth asks as he helps her pack the last of her stuff into the small car. It's not a lot of things, she leaves most of her torn and ratty clothes in her bedroom. She dreams of buying high heeled shoes and pretty dresses on her travels.

"Absolutely!" Leah shouts and pumps her fist into the air. And the smile gracing her face tugs at muscles that haven't been used in years, but she ignores the dull pain.

"Okay, then," sighs Seth, "but you have to promise to send me postcards from every different state, okay? Oh! And bring home lots of candy?" Leah and Sue laugh and put their arms around the small wolf boy. It's such a hallmark moment and Leah fights her gag reflex, embracing her brother tighter. Miss you.

Charlie gives her a clap on the shoulder, unsure how to treat his stepdaughter. "Now, don't you do anything that I wouldn't do, okay?" He says, attempting a hearty goodbye_. So, it's alright for me to shag my best friends widowed wife, then?_ But Leah says nothing because Sue looks oh, so happy. She just exercises those face muscles again, flashing pearly whites at the man.

"Leah Clearwater! Wait!" Billy Black rolls up to the driveway, his long hair whipping in the wind. "Oh, thank lord, I caught you." He opens his arms and Leah flings herself into them happily and pretends not to notice as he slips something into her pocket. "I will miss you, you know. It's not just me, either." Leah snorts lightly at his comment, but doesn't further her protest. _So, where are all my grieving friends then? _"Do write to me and don't get into any trouble." And this time, she's not lying with those pearly whites.

---

She drives away from the town, eternally grateful that Sam had decided not to say goodbye. Emily had called, wishing her a nice trip. Quil and Embry had sent their regards through Seth, but she knew said regards were forced forward by Jacob and Seth (either that or entirely fabricated by the latter two). Jacob hadn't shown up. But she had overheard Charlie complaining about Jacob's presence in his house. _He's with Bella. Because he can't let her go. _She's unsure if she cares at all.

Her body crashes lightly into the cardoor as she makes a sharp turn. The weight of a heavy object in her pocket reminds her and she pulls over to the side, pulling up the present.

Attached to the poorly wrapped object was a post it- **It was your fathers, You are the only person I can think of that would appreciate it. **  
Leah tore open the package. It was a miniature bottle of Tonic, empty since years before. Barely bigger than a can of coke it was filled with dice. Leah laughed as she read the hand written text on the label, recognizing her father's bad writing in an instant.

**Screw fate, it's all about chance. **

---

And as she sits with the bottle in hand, he shows up. He's glorious in her surprise. Because she hadn't been expecting him, standing there. Because she didn't need him. But boy, did she want him.

"What about Bella?" she asks as he slides down in the seat beside her.

"Time for a change, no? Letting someone else be the cake?" He slings his arm around the back of the driver's seat.

"So, roadtrip then?" she asks as she pushes on the gas pedal, "I'm thinking Paris." And together they roar down the highway, her father's Tonic bottle tucked in between them.

Note from me to you: Probably very confuddled right now? Yes, this is the end. Yes, I sped through some stuff. I'm sorry, but it was either fast forward or never finish this blasted story. And yes, you are not supposed to know whom Leah drives off with at the end. (Though I'm guessing you have two alternatives.) Why? Because I got such mixed review wishes, that I couldn't deal with anyone being disappointed, so I figured an open ending was better. (Yes, I am a coward.)  
that being said: THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your gorgeous reviews. Hopefully you're not terribly disappointed with the outcome of this story.


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